I Am Worthwhile

Dear Grace,

I know, I know, I've said it before, but I'll say it again, sorry I've been so lazy about writing. I've had a list of things to write to you about for a while, but I just haven't set my lazy ADD impaired butt down to write them all out. I guess the thought of concentrating on something becomes a great motivator to clean my room, my bathroom, do the laundry, bake something, and do pretty much anything else for me. So there, I'm writing.

Spring Break down in St. George couldn't have been more perfect. It was warm and sunny the entire time we were down there, which made me happy because I was able to wear my new sundress. When we got home it was like the day we came home from Hawaii, where we went from the 80's and sunshine to the 50's and pouring rain. Yeah, I think Kurt has cursed us somehow with crappy Oregon weather. But on a brighter note, the weather has been warming up lately, so I don't have to wear a coat to school anymore. In May. WTC? (That be acronym for 'what the crap?!?') While we were down in St. George we went to a kite festival with Michelle and her family, which was pretty fun. The kids stood in line for various crafts and games and rides, and we took some fun pictures, so we'll have to send those to you if we can. Oh, and you know how Michelle is always finding new and delicious ways to cook food? Well, we used to get these treats called ‘wagon-wheel’ chips, and you made them by frying them in oil and they got huge. Well, she thought they might taste good with a bit of cinnamon sugar on them, and oh boy was she right! I definitely recommend it, you should try it sometime. So a couple of funny stories about St. George. First of all, when we went to church on Sunday, Mom and I went to Relief Society (I'm so happy I'm eighteen!) and for the lesson the lady teaching had her husband and a couple of little girls come in and perform a musical number. The best part? The guy accompanied them with an accordion. Pretty much the most interesting song I've ever heard in a church setting before, haha.

Next, (and this one still makes me laugh) after we said prayer one night, Michelle was hugging the kids on night and she said, "Come here Addison, I'm gonna squish the poop outta you!" And grabbed Addison in a great big bear hug. However, when she squeezed Addison, Addison let out a great big fart. So pretty much we were all worried she had pooped herself, and were laughing so hard that we couldn't be bothered to check right away.

So whilst we were down in the loverly land of St. George, we went and looked at a few apartments for me to live in next year, and I’m not gonna lie, those things are pretty sweet. I’m so excited to officially get my own place and step into the real world. The anxiety that I’ve missed over the last year finally caught up to me though as we were looking through my potential homes-to-be. Fortunately it only lasted for a few days and now I’m just excited again. I had one apartment picked out because it was so nice and I really liked the living conditions and the price. However, it seems that that’s not where the good Lord needs me to be, and I wasn’t able to get in, so Mom and I are going down tomorrow to go apartment-shopping again (I get to miss school! YES!).

Something I’m super excited to do for my next birthday is something I found out about while Mom and I visited Silver Reef on our trip down there. A lady who works at the museum gives after-dark ghost tours, because the old Wells Fargo bank is haunted, so I’m totally doing that this coming October. Isn’t it crazy that Kurt will be home by then? Him and Mom and Dad will all be coming down to visit Michelle and me for Halloween and we’ll all be able to go see Thriller together.

Funny story! So the other day in choir, we had three birthday boys in the class, so of course we were all going to sing to them horribly off-key and make them stand in front of the class, right? Well our choir teacher, Mr. Dursche (sp?) decides that we should try and get all three of them to stand on his piano stool at the same time and spin them around while we sing to them. None of us thought they could all get up there and stay up, but miraculously, they somehow did. We were half laughing half singing as someone tried to spin them while they were all up, but they fell down about halfway through the song. I love my choir class J.

Today I tried something new that I always thought other people were insane for doing: I got up at 4:30 and went to the temple before school. I thought I would be dead all day and totally regret it, but as it turns out, I was totally fine, as though I had gotten a full night’s sleep. Then after school I went and donated blood at the Red Cross (I needed some service hours for a school project, and donating blood counts as 2 hours). I have to admit, I was kind of nervous as to the outcome, thanks to my last experience trying to donate blood. But it went very smoothly, and the nurse knew what the crap she was doing, so she didn’t try moving the needle around a bunch and all that mess, so I had a much pleasanter experience this time.

Well, I’ll leave you with one last story and I’ll be done. So last week Monday and Tuesday were the last two nights of Orem high’s production of Les Miserables, and I went to see Andrea perform. After closing night, I started driving home. Monday night I had felt pretty bummed about not being able to do anything in theater anymore, but that night I was pretty upset, and while I was driving, I couldn’t help but start crying. I poured my heart out to God and told him what I was feeling. I told him about how useless and worthless I felt, and how I felt I wasn’t doing anything productive with my life, and that I wanted to be doing more, but I felt stuck and I just didn’t know what to do to make things different. I also shared how frustrated I was with myself in being so different, and how that makes it so hard for me to make friends, and how I wished I could just be normal like everyone else.

When I got home I started getting ready for bed. I went to my closet to hang up a shirt, when I noticed that letter I had taped up on the closet door. I felt prompted that I needed to read it, and as soon as I read the first line, I started crying again: I made you different from the others.

I had to stop for a minute before I could read any more, because my feelings overcame me, and I knew that the Lord was speaking to me. As I continued, lines from the letter spoke out to me. I know I already sent you a copy of the letter, but let me just copy down the lines that answered my prayers. The rarities that make you one of a kind, my child, are no mere accident or quirk of fate. I made you different in order that you might make a difference. ...You possess the power of choice. Free will. You have been given everything you need to act, but the choice is yours alone. And beginning this very moment, you will choose wisely.

I know this was the Lord chastising me for being so “Oh woe is me” and all that, when it’s my own fault that I’m not doing anything. He reminded me that he’s not always going to drop those opportunities in my lap, and that I have to get out there and give my all if I want to find new opportunities. The last lines gave me renewed hope, and I found strength and felt filled with profound gratitude at these words which were the direct answers to my prayer. Now go, and never feel inadequate again. Do not dwell in thoughts of insignificance or wander aimlessly, lost, like a sheep. You are powerful. You matter. And you have been found. You are my choice.

                                       Your Father

I have to say, God still has a way of surprising me with how much love and understanding he has for me. It has begun the change of how I view myself, the view of someone who does nothing to serve and give back to the Lord, to someone who really can make a difference. I really do believe that I am here for a specific and important reason, and God has clearly shown me that.

            Well, that’s all for this letter. I’ll try to remember to keep taking notes in case something exciting happens, but always remember that I love you and pray for you.

Love always

                                    Katie Jo

P.S. Here are some pictures of my adventures

My mangled pinkie

Police trianing with Dad

My AWESOME le-le-le-leather shoes!

And leather pants

The new pet dog everyone at my work has adopted (and yes, we are aware of what his name means, that's why it's funny :) )

And a Kirk's Dik Dik