I know it's been awhile since I last wrote anything. I guess it's kind of a pattern that I don't write when the hard times hit... I guess what would be the point of writing about my troubles if I didn't have any kind of hope or positive insights to offer?
I barely know where to start, or what details are necessary for me to include. I guess details don't really matter, and I can just sum up by saying that I've had a lot of hard times happen in the last year, some of which included spending a lot of time in the hospital with someone I love dearly.
It's been enough for me several times to turn my eyes up to God and ask, "How can this POSSIBLY be part of the plan? How is this helping anybody learn or grow? This person I love is not the only one suffering, we are ALL OF US suffering right along with them!"
Talking to God this way doesn't get anything done, I know that. But sometimes I'm not ready to understand or accept until I have my fit. I like to believe that God knows that too, and waits for me to finish having my tantrum first.
I don't think I could have received any comfort or understanding or guidance during that period anyway. I was too lost and afraid of everything to trust anything. I don't like sharing my darker thoughts, but maybe they can be useful to someone. In my journal, I wrote:
"Right now I tell myself that I just don’t get to have love or happiness. I tell myself that I must find other things to fill that void. I do projects and visit old friends. I read. I write stories. I cry when the stress or the sadness become too much to bear.
"I have a hard time trusting, enjoying, or believing in good things these days. There’s a brief surge of joy over the good things, but, like an abused animal, I instinctively shrink away and ask 'What’s the catch?' 'What impending tragedy is this buffering me for?' or tell myself 'Wait five minutes, it won’t last' or 'Don’t trust this. It’s a trick.'
"I just can’t handle anymore setups for disappointment and heartbreak. Whenever there’s some measurable improvement, I’m grateful, but I don’t hold my breath, either. I have to keep telling myself that things are going to keep sucking, so when the next wave hits, it doesn’t hurt as badly. At least then I don’t get the rug ripped out from under me. At least I’m not crushed and disappointed. At least then I’ve somewhat protected myself.
“The lack of a support system has been really hard on me as well…I don’t feel like I can call or talk to anyone about what I’m going through because I don’t want to burn anyone out and destroy yet another relationship or lose one of the few friends I have left in the world. We have so little in life to hold onto. What little I do have, I want to protect from the ugly nightmares that are sometimes my everyday reality….”
I don’t like people to know what’s really going on inside me. People don’t know how to act or what to say. They run away. They get uncomfortable and awkward. They look at you like you’re a burden. They look at you like you’re crazy when you dare to share with them the instability you’re feeling within your own self. Sometimes I wish I knew how to explain to people that “I’m no different than I was before I told you this. There’s no need to treat this any differently than if I had told you that my pet turtle died. All you need to do is hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay, even if it’s not.”
I reached a point where I was so burned out trying to hold on that I couldn’t remember what I was doing it for anymore. Was it worth it? Was I just kidding myself? Was I being punished? Was God torturing me because I was too afraid to pray and ask the scary questions? I’ve felt like the biggest beaten-down piece of dirt - more so than I ever have in my life. I have felt so worthless.
And then out of the blue, something happened. I met someone in my new ward who inspired me to do something I hadn’t done in I can’t remember how long. I started listening to musicals again. It’s something that has always made me so happy, and something I had forgotten about. My days began to seem a little less bleak. I was smiling and singing at random moments. Flickers of my old self began peeping through the shell I had become.
Today, I was finally ready for some understanding. I came down to St. George for the weekend and I went to fast and testimony meeting this morning. I wasn’t planning on getting up at all. I felt too broken and lost to talk about how much I loved God or how I knew he cared. I felt like the only way I could get up there was if I got up and lied. But then my dad, the 1st counselor, asked that those individuals who were struggling with their testimony and their faith to get up and bear their testimony. I felt like a train had hit me. “You HAVE to go up there. You cannot just sit here.” I had no idea what I would say. I was told to “just testify of the tender mercies.”
I remembered an answered prayer in the hospital once. I remembered two simple gifts from the Lord on Easter morning. They weren’t miracle cures for the situations. They didn’t fix anything. But they were enough to get me through. They gave me a breath.
Shaking and heart pounding, I walked up to the stand. I said something like this:
“I wasn’t planning on getting up here...I’ve been struggling with my faith. This past year has been really hard for me. I’ve been through a lot, and I often feel like I’m drowning. I’ve spent time on my knees asking ‘God, where are you? Help me!’ What I want to testify of is that I know that God is a good parent. He knows how important it is not to take away our burdens when they get too hard to bear, for if he did, how would we learn? I’ve wondered who I can depend on, who my friends are, where I should live, if I’m worth anything, if I’m good enough, and even if my life is worth living. But I can’t give up on God, because he never has and never will give up on me. He doesn’t take away our burdens, but he does grant us the tender mercies to give us a breath to keep going. I have such a testimony of the power of the atonement. I know the Lord loves me. I know this gospel is true.”
I later learned that an investigator in church heard me bear my testimony today...I guess it was the first time he'd been to church and the things I said really affected him. He had tears streaming down his face. He wanted to take the missionary lessons and asked for a Book of Mormon.
I feel overwhelmed by this….Who am I - a girl struggling with her relationship with God, rebelling and struggling, the vilest of all sinners - who am I to be the one to touch this man searching for God? Or the countless women who approached me after the meeting to thank me for expressing the very things they, too, thought and felt? Who am I, with what I thought was nothing to offer with my spirituality to inadvertently find myself still able to serve as the Lord's hands?
The brother who told me of the investigator told me to remember that sometimes the Lord allows us to be brought low in order to help raise others later on.
It's strange.... I feel as though while I was being drained of everything I had, I was being filled with something new I didn't even see until now. I don’t claim to have all of my hurts and doubts magically cured today. I will struggle all my life to put my trust in God. I will always struggle to “look on the bright side” and have hope. I’ve heard somewhere that a saint is a sinner that keeps on trying. Maybe I’m no good at being obedient or getting things right or even being clean, but the one thing I can say for myself is that I keep trying. Whether stupidly or out of determination, take your pick. But I guess it’s important to keep in mind that Satan never truly wins if we never give up. And no matter how many stupid times I fall into the same old traps and make the same stupid mistakes again and again, I want to believe that I’m not capable of giving up.
It's nice to know that even with the most broken and imperfect of instruments, God can still make beautiful music with us, if we are willing.
(I've posted the fluffy version of this story here, but for those who would like to read my full story, please leave your email in the comments and I'll send you a copy :) )
