Dear Grace,
I have tales of adventure to write, but today I have something more important to share with you about God. The strange thing is, I’ve come to realize that even though God will always be ready to receive you when you turn back to him, you’re not going to magically feel his spirit again instantaneously. Just as with any relationship you’ve allowed to drift and wane, you have to re-cultivate it by giving it time and effort. Over the course of this year I’ve been rebuilding my relationship with God, and it has taken a lot of time and patience and work.
I would be lying if I said my life has been easier since I started letting him back into my life. On the contrary, since I began drawing closer to Him I've seen an increase in my struggles, one of which has taken me through the greatest heartbreak and heartache I’ve ever had to go through in my life. The depths of my struggle in the last couple of months in particular is only fully known to a couple of people, and I would never wish what I’ve been through on anyone.
But the strangest realization of all I came to only a week or so ago is this: It's worth it. Amid the heartache, the sorrow, and the fear that I would never feel okay again, the words of the spirit came to me one day, “It’s going to be okay. Everything will work out.”
I don’t know what the plan is, how things are going to play out, or when I’m going to feel okay again. But even as I’ve been hurting, I’ve felt the spirit of His love inside me every single day comforting me and reassuring me, and I realized that this experience has brought me closer to God than I’ve felt in many many years.
A few nights ago I was lying in bed talking to my roommate about some of our past experiences. As she spoke, she voiced the very feelings that I have about myself, “I just feel broken, you know? Scarred, bruised, torn…”
It’s interesting to realize that everyone feels this way to some extent or other. But then it came to me: Christ was broken, scarred, bruised, and torn, too. It was necessary for him to be, so that he could show us how to heal.
Perhaps it is necessary to be broken. I think that being broken teaches us how to love, the way we were sent to this earth to learn how to do. It teaches us empathy, understanding, patience, and love. It brings people together. It brings us closer to God.
I love my savior so much, and I'm so grateful for His spirit, His gospel, and His perfect love for me.
I love you, Gracie, and I hope you know how much your savior loves you, too :)
<3 Katie Jo
