For the First Time, I have Hope...

Dear Grace,

Ooooooh my goodness, have I been a slacker. This is going to be the biggest rushed through blog post ever, because a lot of crap has gone down these last six months and I have been seriously neglectful in writing to you about it all. So to start, I came back from London, and Lyssa and Hannah took me out for a night on the town to try to cheer me up.

Let me tell you, to be honest, I didn't update the blog at all because I was having the most difficult time in my life adjusting back to Utah. There were literally days where I would come home from work and burst into tears and yell things like, "I hate being here!" and "America sucks!" Because the thing is, they never tell you about the reverse-culture shock you go through when you come home. I had a nasty taste of what missionaries go through when they come home from their missions, and let me tell you, the whole adjustment period SUCKS. That's why I didn't write, because it would have been nothing but big sob story letters that talked of nothing but how much I wished I could go back and couldn't stand American attitudes.

Anyway, the one shining star in the bleak night sky that was my life those first couple of months back was my job at Studies Weekly, which I was so grateful to go back to when I came home.

The people and the work really helped me with the adjustment back, as well as the enormous encyclopedia-sized scrapbook I worked on all summer (which was very therapeutic).

The other thing that helped more than anything, though, was this:

I've never put up posters in my room before, and I feel a little proud that maps were my first posters. I then proceeded to cover them with pins of all the places I've been and all the places I want to go, and then I promptly began planning my next trip over to Europe. When I found out that I'll have an entire week for the Thanksgiving Holiday this year, I booked a flight out to Dublin, and will be frolicking around France and England with my dear friend, Marne, in a just a couple of weeks!

Over the summer, a couple of exciting things happened, the first being that Kurt and Megan had their baby!

A wee little babbie whom they have christened Jackson Rick Mooney, and he's an adorable little nephew (Gus is super jealous).

You may have also noticed that my hair is a little red in the photos, and yes, I did dye my hair red. I think it suits me better :)

Next, my darling bestie, Lyssa, got engaged this summer! Hannah and I got to help her fiance propose to her, which was super sweet, and oddly enough, she will be getting married the day before I leave on my next European adventure.

A couple of weeks after she got engaged, we tried to take a trip up to Park city together, but Hannah's car imploded and we got stranded on the side of the highway while it spewed out a river of oil. Fortunately, Lyssa has AAA, so they were able to come tow us and give us a lift back home. That actually ended up being a really fun adventure, and Lyssa bride's-maid-proposed to us on the side of the road while we were hanging out, so that will definitely be an adventure to remember.

Next, I got moved into my apartment and have hands down the best roommates in the universe! I really don't know why all of these blessings are coming to me, because I know I don't deserve them, but I'm so so so grateful for them all the same.

My roommates are all so much fun (as I'm sure you can tell), but more importantly, they are all so strong in the gospel, and they inspire me to do better and focus more on the little things that keep you on the right track. I love that I can be lying in bed, and my roomie, Bailey, will suddenly say something like, "So, I was in my Doctrine and Covenants class today, and we were talking about this principle..."

I feel like this spiritual boost has been exactly what I need, and their love and support have saved me from some things I've had to get through this semester. I really don't know where I'd be without them :)

Next, I took a little road trip down over one of the longs weekends to visit Michelle and the kids.

It was so nice to be on the road again. I'd sorely missed those hours and hours in the car where I could just sing and listen to music and think for a while. Michelle and I drove down into Nevada (through Arizona) to look at a piano, and then we got to just drive through the desert and talk for a few hours.

Next, fall is here! Andrea and I celebrated by driving the alpine loop and taking about a billion pictures featuring my red hat and scarf and vaguely alluding to something like Little Red Riding Hood.

Next, Bailey, Sydney, and I all had the opportunity to go to the temple together, and then afterward, I took them to the beautiful park across the street from the Timpanogos Temple.

Next, I got to go on the Halloween River cruise with the family...

...and on Halloween night, Bailey, Sydney, and I all went to the dance on Center Street in Provo. I decided at the VERY last second I decided to dress as a Hell's Angel. Bailey and I were at Savers, and I spotted the wings and the halo, and decided that they would go nicely with my leather jacket.

Now, onto my last bit of news, and unfortunately I'm afraid to say that it isn't happy news. My sister, Brooke Seegmiller, died on October 26th while we were down in St. George for the weekend. This whole experience has been such a roller-coaster of emotion, but so much good has come of it that I don't know how to explain it without sounding like I feel her death was a blessing.

The truth is, though, all my life I always believed that I would never get to be with my family in the next life because of their circumstances in this life. I always thought that when death came, there was nothing more you could do, and that your fate was sealed. But Brooke's death forced me to take a step back and really think about what the atonement is for, and for the first time in my life, I realized that we can still use the atonement to heal and learn and grow, and that death is not the end. For the first time in my life, I have hope. For the first time in my life, I have the hope of a life yet to be, where I can be with all of my family in a world free of drugs and anger and pain. For the first time in my life, I've been shown what the healing power of Christ's love can do, and it's not only given Brooke, but myself as well, another chance at life.

I was also forced to question why she was taken from us and her children when she was, and I've come to this conclusion: Brooke knew how to love people and how to forgive the way Christ wants us to learn while we're here on Earth, and when she was too exhausted to carry on anymore, the Lord said, "It is enough. You can come home now."

I always worried that she would die and be lost to us forever because of the drugs - because of the unresolved mistakes in her life. But I know now that I'll finally get to be with my sister in the life to come. That's the beauty of the atonement - Christ will make up the difference for her mistakes, because she gave everything she had every single day, in spite of all her struggles.

I've felt so much love from so many people who have reached out to comfort and support me since Brooke's passing, and I really don't know how I would have gotten through this without my roommates and my friends and more than anything the sustaining and comforting power of Jesus Christ.

At the funeral, this poem particularly touched my soul. It gives me so much comfort to know that there are other hands reaching to embrace my dear sister and to guide her along the path back home again. I'm so grateful that she is at last out of the grasp of those who would hurt her and use her, and that she is in the hands of those who will work only for her good now.


Gone From My Sight
By Henry Van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white
sails to the morning breeze and starts
for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until at length
she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come
to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says:
"There, she is gone!"

Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
and spar as she was when she left my side
and she is just as able to bear her 
load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone
at my side says, "There, she is gone!"
There are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout:
"Here she comes!"

And that is dying.